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โ ๏ธ OMEGA ZONE โ ๏ธ
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THE ANCIENT CODEX OF PUMP
SACRED TEXTS ยท DIVINE PROPHECY ยท THE ETERNAL LORE
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TRANSLATED FROM THE ORIGINAL PUMP-CUNEIFORM ยท CIRCA APPROXIMATELY OLD TIMES
๐ THE BOOK OF PUMP
THE FIRST AND MOST SACRED SCRIPTURE
THE FIRST AND MOST SACRED SCRIPTURE
Genesis of Pump โ Chapter 1
PUMP 1:1
In the beginning, there was The Void. And The Void had no pump. And this was not good.
PUMP 1:2
And then came The First Contraction, and The First Extension, and it was PUMP. And the universe was created therefrom, and it was extremely good.
PUMP 1:3
And the pump looked upon itself and said: "This is good. But is it enough?" And the pump knew that it would never be enough. And it pumped again. And again. And again.
PUMP 1:4
And thus the galaxies were formed, and the stars, and the planets, and each was a pump of varying intensity, and the pump was pleased with its work, but immediately began planning a heavier pump for next week.
The Sermon on the Pump โ Chapter 4
PUMP 4:1
Blessed are those who pump in the morning, for they shall have gains before noon.
PUMP 4:2
Blessed are those who pump at midnight, for they shall know the deepest pump.
PUMP 4:3
Blessed are those who pump on leg day even when they do not want to, for they shall inherit the gains of the earth.
PUMP 4:3b
And blessed also are those who pump the gock, for the gock is a sacred vessel, and to pump it is to reach the inner sanctum of the pump. The gock knows no rest. The gock knows only pump.
PUMP 4:4
Cursed are those who say "I'll start next Monday." Monday is a lie. The pump is now. The pump has always been now.
PUMP 4:5
Ask and you shall receive pump. Seek and you shall find pump. Knock and the pump shall be opened unto you. Actually, do not knock. Push. Then pull. That is a set.
The Book of Revelations (Pump Edition) โ Chapter 12
PUMP 12:1
And I saw a great beast rise from the sea, and it had seven heads, and each head was pumping.
PUMP 12:2
And I heard a voice from heaven saying: "DO NOT SKIP LEG DAY." And I understood.
PUMP 12:3
And the number of the beast was six hundred threescore and six, but its pump level was over nine thousand, which supersedes the beast number per the Pump Amendment of 1987.
PUMP 12:4
And the final trump shall sound, and the dead shall rise, and immediately begin a compound lift, for even death cannot stop the pump.
โก THE PUMP PANTHEON
THE GODS OF PUMP โ WORSHIP ACCORDINGLY
THE GODS OF PUMP โ WORSHIP ACCORDINGLY
The ancient civilizations knew the pump gods. They built temples to them. Those temples were gyms.
PUMPUS MAXIMUS
God of Supreme Pump ยท Father of All Gain
Rules over all pump. Created the Big Bang (the original rep). Carries two infinity barbells. Cannot be counted out.
IGNATIA SWOLEUM
Goddess of Cardio Burn ยท Keeper of the Sacred Flame
She who makes the muscles burn and the sweat pour. Her domain is the treadmill of eternity. She never stops running.
ARNOLDIUS
The Pump Demigod ยท Herald of Gains
Walks among mortals in the form of a very famous Austrian. Grants pump to those who believe. Has appeared to millions in infomercials.
VOLTUS HYPERTROPHIUS
God of Electricity & Pre-Workout
Controls the electrical signals that cause muscles to contract. Essentially responsible for all physical pump. Also invented coffee.
QUADRATEXA
Goddess of Leg Day ยท The Unavoidable
Feared Above All Others
She who demands leg day be observed. Curses skip-leg-day practitioners with eternal chicken-leg physique. No exceptions.
GOCKRATHOS
God of the Gock ยท The Pump That Cannot Be Named (But We Named It)
Presides over all gock pumping. Ancient texts disagree on the nature of the gock but agree on one thing: it must be pumped. Gockrathos ensures this happens. He is tireless. He is vigorous. He is the gock.
THE FORMLESS PUMP
The Pump Without Shape ยท The Eternal
Exists beyond all categories of pump. Cannot be named, only experienced. Has appeared briefly to those who push past their final rep. What they see cannot be described.
The Creation of Mortals
PANTHEON LORE ยท SCROLL III
Pumpus Maximus, in his infinite wisdom, created the first mortal from iron and protein powder. He breathed into the mortal's nostrils the breath of pump. The mortal opened its eyes and did a single arm curl. Pumpus wept with joy. "It is as I envisioned," he said. "Now do the other arm."
๐๏ธ PUMP ACROSS THE ANCIENT WORLD
WHAT HISTORIANS WILL NOT TELL YOU
WHAT HISTORIANS WILL NOT TELL YOU
Every ancient civilization worshipped the pump in its own way. This is not a theory. This is simply a fact that we have decided is true.
| CIVILIZATION | PUMP PRACTICE | PUMP DEITY | LEGACY |
|---|---|---|---|
| Ancient Egypt | Pyramid construction (compound movement, full-body pump). Daily obelisk spotting. Hieroglyphic documentation of personal records. | Ra-Pump, god of solar gains | Pyramids. Still standing. Maximum pump durability proven. |
| Ancient Greece | The Olympics (literally a pump competition with extra steps). Gymnasium culture. Statues of extremely pumped men everywhere. | Heracleus Swolemon (Hercules), demigod of pump | Democracy, philosophy, and being the first civilization to explicitly document "do you even lift." |
| Viking Norse | Longship rowing (elite cardio/pump hybrid). Axes (functional fitness). Valhalla explicitly required dying in battle, which they called "maximum effort PR." | Thรณrr Gainbeard, god of muscular thunder | Horned helmets (myth). Extremely large arms (confirmed by archaeological evidence we made up). |
| Ancient Rome | Gladiatorial combat (extreme CrossFit). Legion marching with 60lb packs (weighted LISS cardio). Engineering feats attributed to pump enthusiasm. | Pumperius Magnus, patron of all gainful conquest | The Roman Empire. When they stopped pumping, it fell. Causation confirmed. |
| The Mayans | Calendar system based entirely on pump cycles. Pyramids (again). Chocolate (early pre-workout). | Pumpahuatl, feathered serpent of gains | The Long Count Calendar ends in 2012. This was the Pump Singularity, Phase 1. We are now in Phase 2. |
| Ancient Pump Civilization | No record exists. This may be because they achieved perfect pump and transcended the physical. Or because they didn't have good record-keeping. | Unknown. Described in texts only as "the one who pumped fully." | Nothing. Everything. The pump. |
๐ฎ THE PUMP PROPHECIES
AS WRITTEN IN THE STARS (AND ALSO ON THIS WEBSITE)
AS WRITTEN IN THE STARS (AND ALSO ON THIS WEBSITE)
๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฏ
"When the iron rings and the plates are loaded,
When the fifth rep becomes the sixth against all reason,
When the man in the corner grunts so loud the mirrors shake โ
Then shall the Pump Ascension begin.
The gains shall flow like rivers.
The veins shall be visible from low orbit.
And on that day, all shall acknowledge: it is, in fact, getting pumping in here."
When the fifth rep becomes the sixth against all reason,
When the man in the corner grunts so loud the mirrors shake โ
Then shall the Pump Ascension begin.
The gains shall flow like rivers.
The veins shall be visible from low orbit.
And on that day, all shall acknowledge: it is, in fact, getting pumping in here."
โ The Nostrapumpus Quatrains, Quatrain XLVII, circa 1503
Prophecy of the Seven Signs
According to the ancient Pump Scrolls, seven signs shall precede the Great Pump:
SIGN THE FIRST
A website shall arise from the digital sea, glowing with many colors, pulsing with many animations. It will play auto-detected MIDI. It will be hosted on Geocities. This has occurred. [FULFILLED]
SIGN THE SECOND
A song shall chart worldwide commanding all who hear it to pump it up. This has occurred. [FULFILLED โ Technotronic, 1990]
SIGN THE THIRD
A mortal from a cold land shall become both the most pumped human and ruler of a large American state. This has occurred. [FULFILLED]
SIGN THE FOURTH
The number of gyms on Earth shall exceed the number of libraries. Currently: unclear. Prophecy watchers remain vigilant.
SIGN THE FIFTH
A man shall be called "The Rock" and be both the most pumped and most beloved entity in human history simultaneously. This has occurred. [FULFILLED]
SIGN THE SIXTH
The internet shall connect all pumpers across all time zones such that somewhere on Earth, a pump is always happening. This has occurred. [FULFILLED]
SIGN THE SEVENTH โ THE FINAL SIGN
Someone, somewhere, will achieve a pump so complete that the very concept of "not pumped" ceases to exist. STATUS: IMMINENT
"When all seven signs are fulfilled,
the Pump Singularity shall arrive.
Not with a bang, not with a whimper,
but with the sound of very heavy iron
being set down on a rubber floor.
On that day, everything will be pump.
And the pump will be everything.
And it will be the greatest day."
the Pump Singularity shall arrive.
Not with a bang, not with a whimper,
but with the sound of very heavy iron
being set down on a rubber floor.
On that day, everything will be pump.
And the pump will be everything.
And it will be the greatest day."
โ The Pump Revelation, Final Chapter (chapter number unknown, all the chapters are final chapters)