STAR PUMP: A New Gain (Episode IV) :: Pump Fiction

⭐ StarPump_George Pump Auteur 🎬 Director of Star Pump ●●●●○ Joined: May 20, 2015 Posts: 612 A galaxy far, far pumped

StarPump_George — Post #1 — FULL SCREENPLAY May 25, 2015, 12:01 AM Quote

I present to you: STAR PUMP: A New Gain. A long time ago in a gym far, far away... the full screenplay. Here are selected scenes.

STAR PUMP
Episode IV: A NEW GAIN

INT. REBEL GYM — NIGHT

PRINCESS LEIA PUMPANA stands before a holographic projection of the DEATH PUMP, the Empire's ultimate weapon: a space station shaped like an enormous bicep.

LEIA PUMPANA

The Death Pump has enough firepower to destroy an entire rest day. We must find a weakness in its structure before the Empire achieves full pump.

EXT. TATOOINE DESERT GYM — DAY

LUKE SKYPUMPER stares at the twin suns setting over the outdoor squat rack. He holds a protein shake. OBI-PUMP KENOBI approaches.

OBI-PUMP KENOBI

Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough.

He hands Luke a glowing barbell. It hums with energy.

LUKE

What is it?

OBI-PUMP

Your father's lightsaber. It's actually a barbell. All lightsabers are barbells. This is well-established lore.

LUKE

How did my father die?

OBI-PUMP

(looks away)

A young pumper named Darth Pumper, who was a student of mine before he turned to the dark side of the pump, skipped your father's rest day. He murdered it. Your father was never the same.

INT. DEATH PUMP — CONFRONTATION CHAMBER

DARTH PUMPER, breathing heavily through his mask (which is also a respirator designed for heavy lifting), faces Luke.

DARTH PUMPER

The Pump is strong with this one.

LUKE

You killed my father's rest day.

DARTH PUMPER

No, Luke. I am your spotter.

Luke stares in horror. The Pump hums between them.

DARTH PUMPER

Search your gains. You know it to be true.

Full screenplay is 84 pages. I'll post it scene by scene over the coming weeks. Episode V: The Pump Strikes Back is already in outline.

— StarPump_George | STAR PUMP: A New Gain | "May the Pump be with you." | Episodes IV-VI planned | "I am your spotter." — Darth Pumper

⚔️ ForcePumper_Anon Pump Knight ●●●○○ Joined: Jun 2015 Posts: 712 The Pump Side

ForcePumper_Anon — Post #439 Feb 22, 2026, 4:18 PM Quote

"I am your spotter."

I have read this line approximately 400 times since 2015 and it has never once failed to make me laugh. It is the perfect pump parody line. It works on every level. The dramatic weight. The vocal delivery you imagine. The fact that being someone's spotter IS fundamentally a father-son level of trust and responsibility.

"Search your gains. You know it to be true." I'm putting this on a t-shirt. I don't care about copyright. You can't copyright gains.

Also: the Death Pump being shaped like an enormous bicep is exactly the kind of worldbuilding detail that elevates this from "parody" to "art."

— ForcePumper_Anon | "May the Pump be with you. Always." | Pump side > Dark side | "I am your spotter" hits different every time

🔎 PumpLoreScholar Lore Analyst 📚 Cross-Reference Expert ●●●●○ Joined: Feb 14, 2019 Posts: 2,883 The library. The gym library.

PumpLoreScholar — Post #440 Feb 22, 2026, 5:01 PM Quote

Lore analysis of the Star Pump universe as it relates to the broader pump canon:

1. "The Pump is strong with this one" — in the Star Pump universe, The Pump replaces The Force. This is consistent with the Ancient Pump Lore description of the pump as a universal binding energy.

2. Darth Pumper murdering Luke's father's rest day — this is thematically identical to DostoPumper_F's Pump and Pumishability where the protagonist murders his own rest day. Rest day murder is becoming the central crime of the pump literary universe.

3. "All lightsabers are barbells. This is well-established lore." I love when pump fiction acknowledges the existence of the broader pump lore as if it's historical fact. It adds such weight to these universes.

Adding to the spreadsheet. The pump cinematic universe grows.

— PumpLoreScholar | Cross-Reference Spreadsheet v47 | "Rest day murder: the unifying crime of pump fiction" | The spreadsheet sees all

🧝 YodaPump_Bot Novelty Account ●○○○○ Joined: May 2015 Posts: 881 Dagobah Gym

YodaPump_Bot — Post #441 Feb 22, 2026, 6:33 PM Quote

Pump or pump not. There is no spot.

Strong with the pump, you are. But lift more you must.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? And well you should not. For my ally is the Pump, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.

(I created this account 11 years ago to talk like Yoda about pumping. 881 posts. All in Yoda voice. I cannot stop. Consumed me, it has.)

— YodaPump_Bot | "Do, or do not. There is no cardio." | 881 posts, all Yoda, no regrets | Consumed me, this account has

⭐ StarPump_George Pump Auteur 🎬 Director of Star Pump ●●●●○ Joined: May 20, 2015 Posts: 613 A galaxy far, far pumped

StarPump_George — Post #442 Feb 22, 2026, 8:44 PM Quote

ForcePumper_Anon: "being someone's spotter IS fundamentally a father-son level of trust and responsibility." This is exactly what I was going for. Thank you for getting it.

PumpLoreScholar: Rest day murder as the unifying crime of pump fiction is a thesis I did not plan but now fully endorse. Add it to the spreadsheet. Make it canon.

YodaPump_Bot: 881 posts. Eleven years. All Yoda. You are the most committed novelty account I have ever encountered and I am writing you into Episode V. Master Yodapump will train Luke in the swamps of Dagobah, which is a gym that happens to be in a swamp. The equipment is rusty but the pump is pure.

Episode V: The Pump Strikes Back is in progress. Preview: Han Swolo gets frozen in a pump so intense he cannot move. Leia says "I love the pump." Han replies: "I know."

May the Pump be with you all.

— StarPump_George | STAR PUMP Episodes IV-VI | "I am your spotter." | Episode V: The Pump Strikes Back [in progress] | May the Pump be with you